Monday, September 28, 2009

Day 35: Uncorked

Looking back at my career, I realize that I have been passive agressive in my dealings in times of conflict. In situations where differences of opinion surfaced, I would have out of body experiences where my mouth would say audacious and "uppity" things. Then, rational thoughts about hierarchy and the fear of not having a paycheck would kick in, and I would succumb to the decisions du jour. But, deep down, I would rebel and the double life would commence. This is what my friend calls the "Yes, but..." hypocrisy. I would keep up appearances for a while, hiding my resentment and disagreement well, and then plunge into my "hermit" phase, totally switching off. Finally, as they should, double lives implode. I throw in my towel and start again.

At the Friday event, my friend Dr. Jeannie presents. A total "F" student that I am, this is the fourth time I hear her talk about the topic, and still not get it. But hearing the same thing over and over again has its subtle effects. I find myself trying to be a better person that does not "yes, but" and go "hermit". I am trying to be the "good, good pig" that has a "yes, and" attitude. I have a go at it with my partners, and grade myself "B-" with room for improvement. But, at least I have started to uncork myself, which should result in no longer "bottling up and eventually exploding" (sage words from my daughter Aya).

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